“Hold the lift!!!” … I’m yelling to my mum across the floor…
4 years of work, drawings, projects, models, materials – even furniture, concepts, display work and our final project strewn everywhere – in drawers, on desks and flying across the room at lightening speed.
We’re laughing really, but inside I’m a fkn mess. I feel like my hearts just been ripped out of my chest and I’m looking at it, in my hand, beating, thumping, pounding – and the energy – far out, the energy… I’m breathless – we both are.
And that’s it… I leave behind nothing in my wake. No artwork left in the classroom display, no work left on the wall in the foyer – (I took that down too) – and no trace of ever having been in that place – ever. And it felt good – actually shit – but so fkn great to walk out of there… for good. (Interior Design 1993-96 – RIP)
I don’t know what failure feels like to anyone else – but to me, on this day it felt like that and I won’t call it failure anymore – (No! I wont!) – I left with no intention of ever going back – because it wasn’t me. It wasn’t really me at all – just a shell of a person, worn down by an institutional system – that’s all.
So many thoughts running through your mind – (Should I have done that, said that, stood up for myself better – Would I have done anything different, better, worse – What could I have done to get that extra 2% to get to 50 – that would’ve been a pass – that’s all I was aiming for then – just a pass. And that sucks – not because I didn’t pass – but because I wasn’t aiming high enough in the first place)
Looking back now, it’s the best thing that could’ve happened to me and it’s taken me over 2 decades to begin to understand – not the result – but the reasons why. There’s no doubt it’s given me the drive to achieve, to power on and just go for it. And I reckon the real turning point for that came recently when I just accepted it, not only accepted it but really embraced it and started celebrating it. Because I truly believe there are no rules in art and there never has been and there’s no failures either. I reckon we can all relate to that one way or the other.
So as they say – Free your mind – And the rest will follow
I truly believe that
Even more now